What goes around, comes around!



What goes around, comes around! Right? Isn’t that what we have always heard or believed or loved to believe? But I don’t think so. I think we just love the concept of a circle, Circle that signifies our world. It signifies things around us, like as we say, my circle i.e my most favourite people.

What I really think is Life just goes on. In different shapes, without following an order, at different speeds, while we keep trying to control it to form a circle. But Life… it’s like an elastic, it bends, stretches, pulls, gets out of shape, forms a shape and this could just go on.

I think most of us believe we are right always and the contradictory party is wrong. But experiences can be different, feelings can be different, knowledge can be different… heck there is different pronunciations for the same word across the globe… in fact sometimes even have different meanings!

What I am implying is we all have our own circle(bubble as some may call it.. again round!!! Hmph).

We like to believe everything within that circle as true and real and everything outside is something we do not trust easily or at all!

I Love my circle, but honestly I do not think what goes around comes around… Yes, we have phases for sure, we get angry, sad and happy, we loose we win, we fail we succeed, we get lucky or not.

But Lets not try to hold our beautiful , volatile, surprising lives to a circle… Let it flow..Don’t wait for a complete circle.. make a path.. reach the finish line.. and enjoy the journey! 




The Need For Darkness – I


Sometimes attaining happiness can be a big roadblock for a creative mind. I personally am sitting with this keyboard with an intention to write after somewhere around two years. I still do not have everything I wanted to achieve in life, in fact I am nowhere near it, but I still have a lot. Technically I am living an ideal fairytale life with a husband who loves and respects me, two families whose happiness depends on our happiness so proportionally they are very happy, to top it all I also have a dog who has no idea he fills all spaces in my heart all day! Financially we are quite well off, no daily struggles as such. Also, we travel fairly enough. Basically, I have nothing to crib about.

Not long time back I had excepted my fate and had joined the wagon of the people who are undateable and who never wanted to marry! I look back at myself making that decision and it’s not that it made me sad, one could actually say I felt liberated not living with the constant expectation of having someone in my life to go back to. I could live with or without it. I loved my dedication to my job, earning, saving, planning my own trips sharing my thoughts and my friends. It was solely my life, only I had the power to shape it the way I wanted to, I never had to think about anyone’s wishes above mine. Did I have my dark phases? Well, of course, I absolutely did! As I said it was only me, I dint always have people around me at the time I needed and at times I had too many people around me when I needed to stay alone! Constant judgement from parents on making the kind of choices I did with life at the time was also a lot to take. But as I said, it was my life. I liked what came with it.

Marriage was not my plan but it happened, the good kind of happened, it was again, my choice because love happened. The kinds I saw very few around me, I still can’t believe I was picked by it. If I look back at my time being married I feel I did justice to it but honestly, sometimes I feel I am voluntarily losing myself in the process. I wish I could complain or blame it on someone but this time I am out of luck. I did have a lot of work on my hands to build this new life which was ours but in doing so I am losing out on the life that is mine.

One of my friend tells me, buy as many kitchen appliances you want but don’t you dare become one. I object, think to myself it’s not that I have done nothing? I started painting, I never thought I’d have the time again. I am starting with my Business, as now I have the time and support. But if all this is not making me feel completely alive then what is it exactly that I am missing???

Fear & Faith


One night of darkness
One moment it be
Silence of him
Silence of me
I am covered in a blanket
On a bright sunny day
Trying to fetch myself
One at a time
Finding a new way…
Height of the ocean
Depth of this sky
Loud whispers
Tears so dry…
Questions from sight
My fate My plight
Why wouldn’t my soul rest
A new ray , bright sunlight…
Fear of loss was a fear of gain
My story …
To be written again… ?

An audience to my soul
Break me
Or take me whole

I have walked alone
I have known my roads
Melt my sugar
Drown my spice
Would you take me
The doll of ice

Beginnings new
Stolen few
Safe is darkness
The light has shades
I try some hope
And that capricious faith!
Melody of an unheard song
Heart now follows to sing along
As I snuggle in my blanket
To a night I belong
Finding words to my story
Lyrics to a new dawn…

– Dee

(Image courtesy: Pinterest)

Gender Battles – Who is Better


This is not just another article that talks about what men “should” do or women “should” do.

Internet for now has become that chaotic space where day in day out we come across mixed communication from all beliefs, some from the feminist, some who try and define feminism as not hatred against men, some men who are trying to spread the message of how women should be treated, some from the women who are offended, some from the men who are offended and this battle is never ending.

We as advertisers cash on it and then there are critics again from the above listed categories that have their say on it.

No opinion is right or wrong as those who give one should also have the wavelength to absorb a contraction to their views.

I feel for those men and women who fight their own battles amongst all the point of views we as society expect them to adhere to.

I feel for those kids who are growing up within the confusion being slammed at them.

The good thing is of course that people are talking, so no, I am not against any of it. I just find it very interesting and amusing.

A lot of us live our life the way we feel right, some of us modify ourselves in different situations but with our own choice. ( To be honest it’s scary to use the word choice anymore, because you never know when who may rile up or link it back to the much talked about “My Choice” documentary! ) So no, I am not talking about anything linked to it, though it’s worth a mention that it took this battle of the sexes to a different level all together.

So, because of my gender I am writing about us first not because in any way I feel they deserve the first mention! (Btw I guess what I am going to write about men and their gender role is going to be more interesting, so just play along J )

Women, we all know the history of how we struggled and still struggle for our right to decent education and a career. Some made waves back then, and a lot of us are making waves now.

It’s honestly disappointing when at the end of the day, after all the hard work we put in during our schools, colleges and work seems to matter as just 20% of your achievement and is not considered a scale for our happiness unless we are married and eventually become a mother. Families that push us as kids to be better achieve better after a particular age act like helpless parents whose daughters are not getting married. Most of the times we hear “get married and do whatever you want to after that”. My question is, if I can’t expect encouragement from my own home, I will only feel I’ll be burdening a new person in my life with my dreams and goals. Also, why should what we want to achieve be dependent on who will or not support us to achieve that, isn’t it just supposed to be my stage and my act?

Yes we are biologically different than men, something I wished both the genders respected. Periods for instance is actually painful for a lot of women, but we still go to work during those days, or continue with our responsibilities as they are, we do not get the leverage of cutting off from the world, whereas that’s exactly what we wish to do. It’s at the end of the day pressure on vaginal walls and blood dripping down our system 24×7, all muscles twisting and the irritations of that fancy no matter how many butterflies you put on a sanitary napkin it is still there! And yes, it is much more grose than what I have described. Coming to the point, so PMS is not a joke, “S” stands for stress. So sincere request please stop kidding about it, and this isn’t just for men but women too do the same, I wonder why!

Pregnancy is not something I even want to get started upon.

Marriage, we as women are nervous enough to be entering a new home. The pressure of being the perfect daughter in law should ideally also be clubbed with an effort from the families to absorb a new member in their family and make it a smooth process. Why only new set of rules are we expected to follow, why judgements about the way we do things, especially when we are at least making an effort to adjust to new ways? Why are only we “supposed” to accept an entirely new set of people as family and ours directly goes a step down in priority?

I am not against marriage, I respect people, and even when I write all the above my heart will immediately call out to me and the new family will be as much as mine and I’ll mean it when I call my mother in law as mom and so for dad. I respect what parents do for their daughters and sons and so the battle should not be of importance and attention but just an effort towards acceptance respect and love mutually.

Dear Men,

Coming to this, I have grown up amongst men, most of my friends are men and I know they struggle constantly too.

When we are expected to give up our dreams before marriage, they are after marriage.

It’s sad to see men who fear being expressive because it’s considered a feminine trait. It’s unfair how many actions are slapped across as expectations from a “good” boy under the label of “responsibility” and “chivalry”.

I wished good men were not defined by their ability to please people around them on cost of their comfort and most importantly wishes and dreams.

I see a lot of guys lying to their partners when they go out for a boys night. Given a choice of understanding I am sure they wouldn’t. We develop the need for them to lie and then we crib about it. We need to understand that as much as we need our space so do they. Let them be what they are, let them do what they enjoy, what is so irresponsible with that?

When it comes to marriage I am sure a lot of them feel like price tags based on their positions and salary. Is that how you can judge the worth of any person? How is it fair?

It is Ok for women to quit their jobs and follow their dreams, then ladies if you are the kind of women who fight for your rights and talk about equality please have the courage and strength to support your men when in some point in life they wish to do the same. They are not being irresponsible, they are just trying to live their dream like you would have wished to, so spare them the ridicule and support them with your heart.

When we fall for men who have opinions please do not kill those in expectation of conformity to ours. It’s again “not fair”

Having said that,

A women does not become perfect because she can cook for you, take care of your family and gives you babies. A man does not become perfect by his ability to pay bills all his life.

It’s a choice out of love and understanding, it doesn’t make a women any less independent and strong if she chooses to cook, take care of the household etc, it doesn’t make a man typically superior or dominating if he pays the bills. Holds true vice- versa.

What should matter to both the genders in understanding and respect towards each other, be it in any relationship.

“Do what you do out of your love for the other person. Favors don’t exist in relationships.”



I have not remembered what love felt like in the longest time. I was too engrossed to give love a shot, I actually did, well, tried, but the questions always remained. Most of the times I felt I was making an effort to love someone.

I used to question myself sometimes when some really nice men proposed to be a part of my life and I denied. I did not know the reason to my denial but all I knew was even if they were perfect in their own individual ways, something was not filling my void.

I was happy with casual acquaintances, no questions, no strings. All that mattered was my dreams my work my achievements.

Don’t take me wrong, I never stopped caring or changed my basic nature around people, all that changed was my ability to submit myself.

I can’t deny I enjoyed these years alone, I also can’t deny I felt empty at times, but I preferred that over submission to a relationship.

I was engaged once which I had to call off.  For everyone around me they described my life as sorted, beginning to a happy phase, like this is what I should have been waiting for all my life. My education did not matter, experience did not matter, dreams… did not matter and my sacrifice definitely not appreciated. But this phase taught me something about myself, taught me about my strength and positivity that I had within me. I explored new passions, new ideas, a new side of me.

Not long ago, I ended up having a conversation with a complete stranger. I had never seen him, never met him, never heard him or heard about him. It was so easy to discuss anything with him, I almost felt I was hallucinating and this man does not really exist. Sometimes he would say things that had I heard from another man I would have ignored or laughed it off not believing the truth of any of it, but with him, I never wanted to question his truth. I did not care what was true and what wasn’t, all that I cared about was that he was there and I believed in everything he said. Maybe it was easier because he was a stranger. I felt like I was reading a book.

One day he came and stood right in front of me. I stood frozen in awe of him. He seemed like all those perfect characters I have been reading about in various books since childhood, like the man I would probably describe in the books I am writing and will write in future. Within a moment my life flashbacked through all the dark moments I had cried wondering and feeling empty, as just his presence had seemed to pull me out of it all in a flash. It felt like he had walked straight out of the pages of a book.

I know what I feel for him is pure passionate love that I had always dreamt of. But as I am me, I wondered how would one know if it really is what it is.


First was his looks, would it matter had he looked any different? Then came his job, would it matter if now he decides to quit and follow another passion? Family, would it matter if they would be any different from how he has described? Sex? Voice? Talents? Choices? Etc

I stripped him down of everything except HIM!

I never felt so sure, because the answers to all the above questions came out to be no. I love him for his soul, I love him for how he brings warmth to me.

I love him without any terms and conditions, without a want of validation, without knowing if this is going to last forever between us, will he be or choose to leave..

I never believed in the existence of this feeling I have now. But even when I break it down logically as above, it exists.

As much as he fills my void, my dreams to achieve various things in life too seemed to have received an inspiration.

Though in my faith as I read somewhere “It’s not logic, its love”


– Dee

A Beautiful Stranger


A beautiful stranger
I only know his name
A face I see through colors
Pixels as you may frame
A diary he was
A diary I wished he remained
But for how long could my stupidity
My silly thoughts
Could he absorb
Could he claim
Unfair on his existence
When my life I shared
Like a note
Like he cared
But Selfish would be me
To continue and unfold
My thoughts not articulated
As the beauty he sews
Brings the best in me
My worst my own
I may need you
I may crave
You aren’t my expectation
You aren’t my claim
You are my gift
You aren’t my golden cage
I miss you as I write
But have to let you go
My beautiful stranger
I have a story untold
My gold my coal
I wrap as my own. . .
So I walk away like sand that blew
I walk away with memories of you…



This happened to me yesterday night while I was travelling back to Delhi in a train. I feel most comfortable in the upper birth and was delighted once I realized mine was one. All evening went as usual, I kept myself busy reading a book, slept pretty early as Delhi was to arrive at 5 AM.

To my horror, I woke up feeling dirty in my gut when the passenger on the opposite upper birth was holding and pressing my hand. I immediately pulled back. The man realized I was up and apologized. I shouted back at him hoping someone will hear me and wake up, but nobody did. I rolled back and tried to sleep. But, I wasn’t satisfied with his apology, I kept thinking, what if I was in deeper sleep, what would this man have done if I did not wake up on time. Has he been staring at my body while I slept? What was going on in this dirty man’s mind? I wondered if I was covered enough! I felt dirty! So no, I wasn’t satisfied by his fake apology. When I shouted he had the audacity to ask me in an arrogant tone why am I getting angry when he said sorry already. I was getting mad because he had not just stepped on my feet, had not just pushed me in a rush, he “consciously” violated me!

I couldn’t sleep all night thinking what if this man tries something again, what if my blanket wouldn’t cover me enough! I couldn’t sleep thinking what should I do, I am tired of being ignorant, I am tired of such men conveniently walking away with a silly apology and no fear no regret!

It was morning, I went to a man who sleeps outside the compartment and seemed like a railway official, asked him if I was to file a complaint what is the process. He immediately guided me to the TC(Ticket collector)  who then called in the Railway police. They asked me about the incident, they woke him up and took us in a separate compartment to deal with the issue.

On being confronted this man immediately flipped, acted all innocent and said he had done nothing. His brother escorted him, since they were travelling together. Series of arguments started and I felt like slapping this worthless man! I did not, my aim was not to beat somebody up, my aim was to make him realize he cannot get away with what he had started his hands on!

His brother seemed like a good man on the contrary, he kept begging for an apology while his brother sat and dug his nose!

I made a video for my own sake, I may need it in proving the guy is wrong since he apologized with the fear of me taking the case to the police. Meanwhile one of the members from the cops intervened asking me to stop making the video which I fought back to, while the other cops remained supportive either out of duty or fear of the video, I am not sure.

On the other hand, the public in my coach asked questions like why did I not make a fuss in the night and why make a scene now, asked me to let the “poor” guy go since he had apologized! While selected few stood up for support. One of the passenger was with his wife, he was teary eyed and said “we constantly live in fear, our daughter is of your age”.

From where I stood, clearly the apology was out of fear and not out of sincerity that fueled my anger, his face his indifference his arrogance!

By the time we approached the Delhi station I had managed to receive a written apology from both the brothers and their contact details. I did not go forward with the complaint plainly because I felt bad for his brother, he was literally in tears and hence I also choose to not disclose their identity or the video.

I feel good about myself that I stepped up, I also felt good about myself that I still had the humanity to let the guy go with a written apology because of his brothers plea.

Why I stressed on the written apology or why did I create a scene when I wasn’t aiming at sending the guy behind the bars? Why did I choose to not get him beaten up? Here is my take on it: I brought the issue up with concerned authorities and fought for my right to speak up and take action with almost twenty people in that coach. What was I doing? My aim as an individual was to fuel awareness, was to instill fear in each one who heard the debate,that, this is what they might have to face if they misbehave or try to take a woman for granted who they have violated, even if she is alone! As for the guy who harassed me is concerned, I think he got the embarrassment and a lesson for life he deserved! Violence could have been an immediate tool, nonviolence: a discussion over hours with different people, even if that makes a 0.01% change, my purpose is served!

My intention was to speak up!

Things I learned, I am my biggest support, I am my biggest strength, I am my biggest tool against injustice done to me. I have a voice and I put it to use smartly.

Video: Your smart phone is actually smart, while travelling please ensure you don’t use it on stupid apps and conserve the battery. It became my tool to actually be heard, before that my voice echoed in a room full of dead fearless souls!

Written Apology: I ensured I have a written note from the brothers and their contact details on a railway letterhead even if it was not an official FIR, this is for my future protection, makes a psychological impact on the offender and saves you from being the victim of a repeat offence. Also you secure evidence incase unfortunately you need it again.

I just hope this message reaches to people who may filter out useful information out of my experience. Men or women, sexual harassment or harassment in any other form.

Till you don’t speak up for yourself, no one will. If you don’t make an effort to bring a change whatever little through your experiences, nothing will change.

– Dee




Of the sky

Of an unknown passerby

Of a candle lit

Of a wave on the shore

So ignorant

So sore

It’s not even about the love anymore

It’s about my soul

I forage into my thoughts

What makes me so numb

To no reasons I succumb

I wonder how

I am a dry land

So virtually green

So bare so blank

Like dust ….like sand…

My voice..

Is just a note

Not to you

But my soul


No answers

I lie in despair

Like the unheard mountains

Like the loved sea

Like the blossomed flower

Like a pirated belief

Am I a painting

Hung on a prepossessing wall

Abstract genial

Penetrating denial

What’s my reason

What is my fate

Where do I step from

My question

Which wall should I break…

Naked to silence

Bare Body

Bare reverie

Naked to my own mind…

DuST !


It was a promise

That you shattered

With my heart

You walked away

Like nothing mattered

I was glued to my last hope

But you killed

What was left of me

My faith so blurred

In my own destiny

Like sandstorm

Like flood

Like hail

Like blood

Bound my fear

Numb to words

Numb to love

Numb to a new wish

I now stay numb to a promise

Numb to any promises

That knock on my door

From the mind of a saint

Or heart of a whore

I am numb to new wishes

Numb to all cliches

Love flows in the numb veins

Once again

I cannot espy any pleasure any pain

Faith stares at me from across the shore

Blurred, hazed not familiar anymore

A promise so shattered

That the pieces are strangers to themselves

What was a solitaire once

Is now settled

Like dust on the shelves…

– Setu & Dee

*Picture courtesy to the artist(name on the bottom right)




Like the woods in the forest

Tired of finding its roots

The beauty we cherish

With the pain within they perish

Like a drop in the ocean

Finding ones’ shore

Sparkles at the sun

But struggles to break out

Of the worldly galore

Like that golden grass at the edge

Of a tall standing mountain

Wanting to break free

Etched as so pretty

Living a brutal reality

Tied on the face of freedom

I wonder if that’s me…

A night of darkness

A beautifully painted sky

And there lies a fallen star

Irony of beauty

We ask for a wish

From a star that fell

When maybe it’s only wish was to live…

Music that once lifted my soul

Looks at my barren heart

With a question

Who do I call my own…

Would you hear

My silent screams

Would you peek

Into my vacant dreams

Hold my hand

On an unknown road

When all I was taught

Was to walk alone…

Why does one walk into a door

Sitting in an empty room of islands

I look for my soul…

Searching for a word

Comfort of a nest

Leave me lost

Or make me whole…